“Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“I’m not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our dog sits in front of the microwave when the timer goes off.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Why did God create man first? Because he needed a rough draft before creating perfection.” – Unknown

“Women can never be pleased. If you get them shoes, they’ll complain about the color. If you get them the right color, they’ll complain about the style. If you get them the right style, they’ll complain about the price.” – Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love, women like to be a man’s last romance.” – Oscar Wilde

“I asked my wife why she never blinks during foreplay. She said she doesn’t have time.” – Unknown

“I asked my husband if he ever cheated on me. He said, ‘No, why would I pay for something I get for free?'” – Unknown

“Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.” – Unknown

“Why is a man’s decision called a ‘mid-life crisis,’ but a woman’s decision is called ‘going crazy’?” – Unknown

“Men are like Bluetooth connection, they are connected to you when you are nearby, but as soon as you go away, they automatically start looking for new devices.” – Unknown

“Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.” – Unknown

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She only changes it once in a while.” – Oliver Herford

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.” – Unknown

“Women fake orgasms because men fake foreplay.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I call my husband ‘Google.’ He takes forever to answer a simple question.” – Unknown

“Why do women make great spies? Because no one would ever suspect that they can remember every single detail of an argument from three years ago.” – Unknown

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“Why do women prefer old men? They don’t need new ones!” – Unknown

“If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?” – Unknown

“Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.” – Unknown

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?” – Linda Ellerbee

“Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?” – Unknown

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford